TMS – Round #4 – Day 35

I’m so thankful for TMS, and the opportunities that it gives me. I get to live life on “normal” terms, instead of being ruled by depression and anxiety.

I wrote yesterday about finding out there was more strife going on in my family. I didn’t know if it was about me, but I figured it was something that involved me in some way – or I wouldn’t have known about it. I didn’t get to talk to my cousin other than via text because of his hectic work schedule, but I did find out that the crappy-ass things that have been done to me are now being done to others. Even though it doesn’t seem to have been directed AT me this time, it still disappoints me on very deep level. What happened to the family that I grew up with? Why is bullying, lying, and back stabbing things that are acceptable to them? It’s incredibly disheartening.

However, it does confirm that making the complete separation that I did – (from all the toxic people in my family) – the absolute right decision. Self-care is often misunderstood. There seems to be rules about “but it’s family”, or “she’s your mother”, etc. Sadly, true self-care means even separating from people you would never think you would have to. But tolerating abuse, bullying, or anything that is toxic or harmful is worse – by far.

I have now reached a point where I notice differences, however subtle, in my reactions to things. Even in today’s ever-changing, very unpleasant, mostly shocking day to day environment. Yesterday I was nervous, and not anxious. I can turn my thoughts on and off, without much effort. No looping, no waking up so anxious that I need medication to leave the house, no feeling overwhelmed at least once a day just because of the chaos in the world…………. I’m moving through my days with relative ease. Is every day perfect, easy, happy-go-lucky? NO. And I wouldn’t feel normal if it was. As I’ve said – 2020 has been a shit-show on an epic level! But, even so, I’m processing it all. Who would have thought?

I have treatment in two days (Thursday), and then just two more – next week. And then I’m done. I will have completed my 4th round of TMS and seen that this IS the treatment that saves me – every single time. And thank God!

Until then………..

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!!!!