It’s the end of a 3 day weekend. I’ve done more of “nothing” than “stuff”, but it’s totally okay. I was going to get out for awhile Saturday, but plans got changed and I ended up not going out. But yesterday I spent the day with my family at my Aunt’s house for a barbeque, which was awesome, and then I went out to the Rainbow to hang out with my friend Christine. And, as usual, ran into a lot of other people I know too. That’s why I love that place – rock and roll atmosphere, familiar faces, great music, always a good time, and I feel at home there. Today, not a lot. I finally finished watching the entire Sons of Anarchy series on Netflix. I’ve always wanted to see it, and Netflix makes it so easy. I admit – very hard to watch at times. I even had to take a week break at one point because it was just too heavy, but I’m glad I watched it to the end. Saying I’m switching to “lighter” viewing for awhile is probably something I don’t need to say, right?
On the anxiety front – anxiety is still present. As I’ve said before, at my low point last year, before TMS, I was taking 2 .5mg pills a day. I’m not up to 2, but I do cut the pills in half and I take anywhere between .25mg and .75mg daily (total prescribed daily dose is 1.0 mg, so I’m still taking less than prescribed). I had been having weird dreams even before we started the “right side” treatment, but they are still happening. Even more vivid, I think. I’ve even noticed that not only am I having vivid dreams, but I can wake up, go to the restroom, watch a minute or two of TV, and when I fall back asleep I will continue dreaming the same thing where I left off. It’s the weirdest thing! Thankfully, they aren’t bad dreams – and since I experienced night terrors a lot when I was younger, I’m thankful. Although, I’m not sure if I’m getting “good enough” sleep. When I woke up on Thursday feeling so overly tired, I was curious. Friday morning I was better than Thursday, and even thought that this was because I was sleeping “deeper” than I ever had before, and that’s why I felt even more groggy when I got up. I’ve given it three more days to be sure, and here’s my conclusion – I’m not sleeping “deeper”, I’m dreaming more actively, which I think is making me feel more groggy because I’m not getting quality sleep. I’m still open to see how that progresses as treatments go on.
One thing I did realize almost like a lightening bolt last night when talking to my friend Christine, is that my empathic abilities have been increasing in ways I never anticipated. I don’t talk about this a lot, because it sounds “crazy” to a lot of people, but I have known my entire life that I can sense things. I feel good or bad energy from people, I know when people are lying to me, I have been completely overcome in certain places (thrift shops, a civil war cemetary back East, someones apartment where I later found out someone had been murdered), and I even knew when a friend had been in a bad car accident, and another one’s house was on fire. The car accident and fire were not “clear” to me. But in both cases I knew something was very wrong and had to get in touch with these people immediately – which is when I found out about the incidents. I’ve been in a bar that I KNEW we had to leave, even though I had no idea why, and 30 minutes after we left there was a horrible shooting there. I had never been there before, and I didn’t know more than the few people I was with, but I made my boyfriend at the time leave with me.
Bottom line, I’ve never had any control over any of this whatsoever. What I have learned is to trust my GUT INSTINCT about everyone, and everything, at all times. This is one of the reasons I have to be VERY cautious as to who I’m around, what kind of crowds (energy), and places. I’ve never received “messages” or “details”, nor do I know when something is going to come up until the “feelings” completely overwhelm me. Well, about a month or so ago, I was out watching live music with a casual friend that I didn’t know well, but liked what I did know about him. His energy was “good”, as I call it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got this feeling that shot through me that felt like “He needs to be careful – someone very close to him is using him, taking advantage of him, or is going to betray him and it’s going to be someone he never would expect it from.” I just kind of acknowledged the information, and went on with watching the musicians. A little while later he asked if I could drive him to the store so he could get more alcohol for the bar (I’m sober, and the perfect driver), so I did. As we were driving, the same “message” came raging up inside of me to the point that I blurted it out. Sort of. I told him I had something to tell him, and he was probably going to think I was nuts, and that I couldn’t explain why I was feeling it. I also told him that I get feelings about things and places, etc. but up until right that moment I had never had the absolute need to tell someone something. I told him what I was feeling, and told him I could be 100000% wrong, but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t say anything and then something happened. Thankfully, he didn’t think I was a nutcase, thanked me profusely, promised to watch his back, and thanked me again the next day for being so open with him. I don’t know if anything came of it, but I know that if I had ignored the fact that I knew I had to tell him and didn’t, and then something happened, I would have regretted it.
Fast forward to last night. I was talking to my friend Christine, who knows about my empathic abilities. I don’t know if she believes in it or not, and it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is she knows that I believe this is part of who I am. Anyway, we were talking about someone and that “feeling” came over me again. This someone has had some negative things said about him recently, and we were discussing the different sides of the coin as far as perspective, and how people react to grief differently. All of a sudden, I knew – I started to explain something about this man – and I was pausing, and taking deep breaths, because it was literally coming to me as I was saying it. I remember when I was finished explaining this, and finished by saying “I don’t know how I know this about him, but I feel in my heart it’s true.” She said “Oh my God, seriously? He has (and named a condition which I will not name), and that’s EXACTLY how he is!! How did you know that? You hit it on the nose!”. Granted, this person is well known, and I guess some parts of this condition have been talked about at some point in different places, but I swear on my life and soul – I had no idea. I had NEVER read or heard of it before – with him or anyone else – ever. It was just something that came bubbling up inside of me and I had to say it out loud – because in my soul I knew it was true – even though I couldn’t prove it. Please know that when I say “I know it’s true”, I’m not being delusional. I know I could be absolutely wrong, but when I have those kind of feelings about people, places, things, etc., throughout my life, whenever I’ve ignored it I regretted it. When I go against those feelings, I feel like I’m going against MY TRUTH. So, it may not be believed by others, or it may not “come to pass”, but I know beyond any doubt that my decision to follow my gut years ago is the right decision for me – then and now. To me, it IS MY TRUTH.
I don’t know if I will continue to get the overpowering feelings that I feel the need to share with someone. I don’t know how comfortable I am with that. If anything happens again, like when I felt the need to “warn” my friend, I will always start out by telling them I have no proof, it’s just a feeling, and make it clear I have no idea where the thoughts are from. I don’t want to be responsible for scaring anyone, or hurting anyone. But I also feel like if my soul is screaming something that loud to me, and I don’t pass it on to anyone it may effect IF THEY WANT TO HEAR IT, then I’m not doing the right thing. I have to at least put the offer of whether or not they want to hear what I’m feeling – and if they don’t, I’ll just have to let it be.
So, yeah. Heavy, right? I know it sounds weird, and that’s why I’ve only spoken about this to close friends in my life up until very recently. Since I’m in the time of my life where I’m embracing me for who I am, at all times – the past, present, good, bad, – all in the hope of being the best person I possibly can be every day for the rest of my life, I’m putting it out there. I may be judged, I may be embraced, but none of that matters. This is all part of my truth, part of who I am, and that’s all that matters.
Much love friends.