Hi friends…..! I know I haven’t written since I ended TMS last June. There is really no good excuse, other than to say life gets busy. I also got horribly sick on August 4th and was out of work for 46 days. Losing that much of life “normalcy” tends to throw me for a loop.
There have been a lot of changes for me. I finally got off of Cymbalta after years of being on it and almost a year of wanting to not take it. It took a long weaning off process, but I’m glad it’s gone. I started taking Buspar, which was highly recommended by two very respected doctors, but it was a roller coaster for me. It’s supposed to be excellent for people with major depression and anxiety, but I had allergic reactions, mood reactions, and ended up stopping it. This caused my depression to resurface, and I’m not take a VERY low dose of Buspar along with my Viibryd. I’m still taking Xanax for anxiety when needed, but it’s usually only .5mg once or twice a week.
I’ve had a rough holiday season. I LOVED the holidays as a kid, because my grandparents made them magical. Over my adult life I’ve had a love/hate relationship when they arrive. I look forward to it every year, but the stress, money, planning issues, etc. end of making me a train wreck. This year was the one that made me decide I am never again doing Christmas the way anyone else thinks it should be done.
Additionally, I cut off any “normal” relationship with my mother in April. I love her dearly, but she is an alcoholic who never really wanted to be a parent, and made it clear my entire life that I was a bother to her. I’ve readjusted my boundaries with her countless times, and I finally realized that I just can’t communicate with her on a regular basis. This, sadly, has worked well for me. I hadn’t seen her in a year, and we all (my family) saw her for Christmas. She’s shriveled down to 92 pounds, still smoking and drinking, has the worst case or psoriasis I have ever seen – and will NOT listen to anything anyone says. She believes every doctor knows everything, and that she has no need to get a second opinion, or let any of us help her. Stubborn does not begin to describe this woman. I almost had a nervous breakdown the entire week prior to her visit and collapsed with the flu and emotional overload yesterday after dropping her off. On the way home from taking her home, my aunt calls to tell me that the entire family insists we get my mom to see another doctor, etc. I have tried this until I bleed from my eyes for YEARS, and it only lead to my mother and I not having a real relationship. I ended up telling my Aunt that if she wants to try to get my mom to accept help, she will have to talk to her, because I will not let that woman abuse me any more in my life, especially when all I’m trying to do is keep her alive. How do you handle the feelings of loving a parent and wanting the best for them, and yet not letting them emotionally abuse you any longer for your own protection?
Surprisingly, I’ve been in a relationship since August. He’s a wonderful, giving, loving, understanding person and he actually showed up in my life when I was at my worst – when I was sick for the 46 days over the summer. I’ve never had any man in my life that supported me like he does. What I have learned over my life is that there have only been 3 people ever that loved and accepted me completely – 100% of the time – no questions asked: my grandparents, and my best friend David. My family and friends love me, but my anxiety and depression – and the moods they bring about in me, along with overwhelming feelings, etc., make it really hard to totally relate to me. I either come off as bitchy, isolating, feeling sorry for myself, unfeeling (when I’m trying to protect myself), or just plain misunderstood. I know now more than ever in my life that finding someone who can be understanding towards this condition and respectful, tolerant, and everything else, is not only not easy – it’s almost impossible. That is why I tend to isolate when things get hard – it’s too hard to explain how I feel on a level that “normal” people can comprehend it, but it’s a lot for someone to watch. This last month has been up and down immensely for me – and I realize that even my wonderful boyfriend might not be able to deal with it. It’s not his fault – not even close. But it’s easier for me to be alone than have to shut up, close down, or tried to hide my feelings around someone I’m with constantly. If I can’t be myself, I have to be alone. And me being me is not an easy thing for anyone – I get it. So, I have to lay it out on the table and be willing to accept that he might bot be able to handle it. No fault of his, but I have to put it all out there.
I’m emotionally drained right now. I had to sit down and write all of this because I’m so overwhelmed, that I had to get it out – and as you all know – writing is the only way I can do that. I still get panic attacks occasionally when I realize that these diseases are going to be what I battle for the rest of my life, and a daily basis, with no clue as to when or where something might change (meds, body chemistry, situations, etc.), that can send me into a tailspin. Life changes in an instant, for everyone. The thought of having it all be too much at some point is not lost on me.
I love you all, and please – be compassionate, be kind, respect other people’s struggles. We all of different demons we deal with – and just because your demons seem worse, or someone else’s seem like “no big deal, you never know what is going to be too much for someone to handle.
Here’s praying for peace, understanding and love in 2018.