TMS – Round 5 – Last Blog

Hello Friends!!! YES – I’m still in treatment, and am staying in treatment. The only change is that I’ve decided to stop blogging for the remainder of this round because I’m TIRED!!!

Truth be told, I’m getting older. Getting up at 4:30am, being gone from the house until about 5:00pm, getting everything else done and then getting to bed early is taking up a LOT of energy. And, the reason I started my TMS blog was to notate the AMAZING changes I ended up experiencing. These are all still amazing and present! However, it doesn’t seem to be as important to write about them now because I know they will happen again. The first couple of rounds, especially the first, changed my life because I had never experienced life “normally” – ever.

In all honesty, I feel that the best “telling of the story” is by reading my blogs from when I did Treatment Rounds 1 and 2. The others are telling as well, but it is now what I consider to be a BLESSING, and not “different” than prior treatments.

I’m going to save my energy, and promise to blog if there are any amazing changes going forward. Anything in or out of TMS applies here. I’m still on a mission to get the word out about this life-saving treatment, and to help anyone, anytime. That will never change. I have learned that my health comes first, and no joke – I don’t have the “bandwidth” that I did even a few years ago. I have physical body issues that are exhausting, and take more out of me as I age. Even over the last 5 years. So, balance in my life doesn’t just apply to my mental health – it applies to every single aspect of my life. Work, marriage, hobbies, everything – it all has to be balanced as to what I can mentally and physically handle every day.

I love you all, and I’m still “here”. I’m just stepping back from blogging about treatment. I don’t want it to feel or sound redundant, ever. But, as I said, I will update any time there are changes going forward.

Thank you friends. I will always be on this journey right beside you.

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 21 and 22

T-I-R-E-D!!! OMG!!!!! This is going to be short, because I am BEAT!!!

First and second days at my new job are done! Nothing difficult, but after being off work, and having my sleep schedule thrown off because of anxiety, etc., getting up early is KILLING me! I got up at 5:00am yesterday, and didn’t get home until just before 6:00pm. Today, up at 4:30am, and home at 5:30pm. TMS, work, home. I did this when I first started TMS in 2016, but man – it is such a long day! Today is definitely better than yesterday, but I feel my age! Hopefully by the end of this week I won’t feel it so bad. And, after treatment ends (probably around 3rd week of September), I’ll be only going to work, and have a regular schedule.

Anyway – everything is GOOD! No anxiety, no depression. I’m still not 100%, but I can feel the difference for sure. If I hadn’t been doing TMS I wouldn’t be functioning, let alone starting a new job. What this proves to me is that the job I had was absolutely NOT good for me, and the “break”, induced by anxiety, was my mind/brain/body way of communicating to me that I needed to change my environment. I’m so glad I did! Having said that – change is never easy. Being the “new kid” is weird for me. I’m not a “job jumper”, so not knowing what I’m doing is foreign. I do have confidence that I can do it – I just have to go through the process of learning it all.

So, again, TMS WORKS!! Every time! Dr. D told me today that looking back on my history of treatments, I usually start my “upswing” around Days 20-25, which I hadn’t realized. So the other good thing? I’m right on schedule!

I might ot blog every single day. I will try, especially if I experience any noticeable changes. But like I said – I’m tired!!! The older you get, at least for me, the harder it is to get up early, be gone all day, and still do “extra” stuff. I will try however – promise!

Until next time…………….

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 19 and 20

UPSWING!!!! Feeling the best I have felt in over 6 months!!!! I know for a fact that getting everything taken care of with my old job, finding a great new job, and not having to deal with that added stress is a huge part. However, TMS is 1000% the main reason I feel better.

This is how it works for me. The first few weeks or so is the hardest, at least for me. That is because I know that TMS will fix me. However, in the beginning there is a lot of mood ups and downs, anxiety ups and downs, and dealing with life at the same time. BUT, I know that it’s only a matter of time before the pieces start coming back together and it just gets better from that point. That is where I am now.

I’m excited to start my new job on Monday. I want and need to get back to work. I don’t do well with “idle time”. It allows my brain to work overtime and it can become my worst enemy. Keep in mind, there is no way I could work until very recently. My old job was killing me, and I could not go back. The anxiety from that job was a catalyst to my depression spiral, and I wasn’t well. It was never that I didn’t want to work. It was all about not being able to function, (let alone succeed or thrive), in that environment. Which lead to insecurity, absolute fear anxiety and a lot of other not-so-good things centered around being 52 years old (now 53, for a week), and having to “start over”. Which leads me to this – believe it or not – I like to work!!! Having a balanced life, having a schedule, not being stagnant – these are all things that lead to my mental state working at it’s best.

So, I’m doing multiple loads of laundry, including washing my new “work” clothes (which I haven’t needed in over 5 years), and being thankful that I was able to easily buy new work clothes.

Which leads me to my revelation today. I’ve learned to trust that when my life gets thrown into a big change situation, no matter how bad it feels, it usually puts me in a place that is better for me, and that I wouldn’t have been able to get to if the “big/painful/sudden” change hadn’t happened. i realized today that even though I thought working at my last job was my “last job” – (meaning I would retire from there) – it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a great experience. I proved that I CAN do sales – I just don’t like it. I was so successful that I was able to pay off all the bills, put money in savings and investments, and even be off on disability for 2 months and not have to touch my savings. This is HUGE!!!! Up until that job, I was constantly juggling money, and making choices between food, prescriptions and/or gas in my car. And, there were MANY times that if I had to go on a job interview, I would have to go to Goodwill to buy used clothes because that is all I could afford. No joke. That is how I lived my entire adult life. Not because I didn’t work – but because I never had my head far enough above water to make ends meet without juggling and using credit cards. I live in California, and the cost of living here is RIDICULOUS! At the time, I needed my family and the thought of moving out of state was not an option. So I kept working – both in the “job” sense, and the “on me” sense.

This is VERY important to note: I started my first round of TMS in May 2016, and started my job at my last company about 2 weeks after starting treatment. Which means, TMS helped me by making my brain do what it was never capable of prior, and my life has done nothing but get better ever since. That is a VERY big deal, and even more important to show the timeline comparison.

TMS works – every single time. And I’ll say it again, I couldn’t be any more grateful. The moral of the story is this: stay open to new ideas and ways of doing things, do NOT give up, trust that when life is pivoted and does a 180 degree turn, that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Do the next indicated thing, keep an open mind, and the direction you need to go will be shown to you. No timeline guarantee, but I know for a fact that when I look back on all the “WTF” moments in my life, there was always a new path to be put on. When I went as easily as I could with accepting the changes and adapting appropriately, things changed for the good. When I fought it, stuck to old ideas, or tried to fit the square peg into the round hole – that’s when it got worse. I eventually learned to trust the process.

Next update will be Monday after my first day at my new job. Wish me luck!!

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 16, 17 and 18

Slacking, again. The good news? I’m on an upswing! After making it through my birthday Friday, (and having a wonderful birthday evening with my in-laws and husband), I woke up Saturday with a headache that was SOOOO BAD that I thought I was having a stroke. Got up, and laid back down 10 minutes later, not getting out of bed until 12:30pm. I never felt “good” Saturday. I felt like I was in a full blown hangover/foggy state. It was so weird!!! Sunday was better. Until my husband got back on a dirt bike for the first time in years – and for the first time as an amputee – and rode like he had never been off one. He used to race Motocross, so his concept of “easy” riding is still CRAZY to most people. Having every “what if” thought possible run through my head, my anxiety was up.

We actually had a really great talk about my thoughts and fears on his riding again, the idea that he could be injured, or worse, etc., and as hard as it is, I know I have to trust that he is an adult, I don’t ever want to stifle his wants or dreams, and know that riding is his absolute favorite thing. I have to trust that he will be careful, knows the risks, and truth be told – his worst accident (in which he lost his leg), wasn’t even on a dirt bike. It’s a learning curve for me, for sure.

Today, he bought a dirt bike. I must be getting better because I am actually happy for him. I’m still worried, concerned, etc., but I’m more excited that he’s getting to get back to what he loves. Positive thoughts are trumping my anxiety. WIN!!!

I also haven’t taken any anxiety medication since Sunday. The “roving” anxiety that popped up out of nowhere, or the chronic anxiety are gone. WHEW!!!! My rating of where I’m at on a scale of 1-10 (10 being worst), I’m rating myself a 4. Definite improvement.

I talked to my new manager today, and got all the details for my first day at my new job on Monday. I will be starting my day at 5:15am. Going to TMS before work, then working an 8 hour day with an hour lunch. It will be long days while in treatment, but I’ve done it before. And, I know that the longer I’m doing TMS, the easier EVERYTHING gets. I require less sleep, I focus better, and I can organize and separate my thoughts. This is all pointing to it just gets better from here!

I have no good excuse for not blogging this week until now, but I do know I have been putting a lot on my daily “to do” list and getting it all done. I hadn’t had any “breakthrough” moments, and gave myself the reason that I would blog today, and acknowledge that it is something I need to do every day – no excuses.

It’s working. Again. TMS always works for me, and I couldn’t be happier that this option is available to me. If it wasn’t, I know I wouldn’t be here. And I have a purpose, and a duty now. I’ve made it through this much of my life with the absolute BEST YEARS having been the ones I’ve lived since starting TMS in 2016. If I can make it, others can too. That is my purpose. Share my story and experience so that if it reaches or touches even one person and helps them get through another day, it’s a moment in time that makes everything worth it.

Mental illness sucks. Period. But we can conquer and overcome this, and any other demons that may cross our paths if we stay open to new ways of thinking, being VERY aware of triggers, feelings, changes, and issues. It’s not easy, but it is 1000% worth it!

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 13, 14 and 15

I’ve been slacking – 1000%. Wednesday after treatment a lot of things (good) started happening, and I wanted to wait to blog until yesterday so I could spell it all out. Then yesterday afternoon came, and I was not as “jubilant” as I hoped to be. I felt good about it all, don’t get me wrong. But something was hanging over me. That something is today. It’s my 53rd birthday.

I feel RIDICULOUS, because I should be nothing but grateful and amazed that I’m even alive. I am, but I don’t FEEL the way I wish I did. For more than a decade now, I have come to get really sullen around my birthday. I have no idea why. I know I now have purpose, and a wonderful life, and yet this day of my birth brings on feelings of sadness. Additionally, for the last 20 years and 6 months, I have been sober on this day. My “birth”day and my sobriety date are exactly 6 months to the day apart. So instead of celebrating being “born”, I’ve celebrated being “sober” an additional 6 months.

Now, the thing I have been so vague about – DRUM ROLL…………….. I left my job that I’ve been at for 5+ years yesterday. The environment and management at that job, which I loved so much for years, and was very good at, had a complete change in management in January and the best way to put it is that it got turned into EVERYTHING I ever hated about “sales”. It wasn’t simply the job description, it was more about the incredibly horrifying Sales Manager and his style of managing that completely destroyed the entire makeup of everything that job used to be. Not just for me, but for a very large amount of people. After struggling, fighting, adjusting, etc. – for 6 months – I cracked. Their new way of doing things broke me as a person. And let me tell you – it wasn’t because I, or anyone else there, was flawed. We were all VERY good at our jobs. None of us know for sure what brought about the owner bringing in new “management” that would turn the business upside down, although there is speculation. The bottom line is, it’s not MY business, and after trying everything and anything, I had to remove myself from the situation before it killed me mentally. I went on disability on June 7th. My doctor’s orders were to first CALM DOWN – before I cracked completely. My brain was ZOOOOMING around with what am I going to do, I can’t do that job, what if I can when I feel better, and then – God forbid – I have to look for a new job, as a woman in her 50’s??? So, I did as I was told, and took the time to calm my brain.

I was supposed to go back after 3 weeks, and almost lost my mind the week before at the thought of going back. My disability was extended through August 9th. Eventually I started looking at job openings just to take the “WTF” out of it. Looking for jobs is scary as hell. And, I”ve made very good money doing sales. The one thing I knew – I WAS NOT EVER DOING SALES AGAIN!!!! Which leaves the other options being a LOT less money in any other field. Thankfully, I was able to pay off bills, we are not in debt, and other than rent and utilities, my husband and I both have car payments – that’s it. However, I know what my talents are, what I’m good at, and even though I wasn’t going to do sales, I couldn’t imagine how I would find something out there that I could enjoy, do well, and not only pay bills but also be able to continue to save money, and not end up cutting into my savings or investments. Finding jobs that are not in sales, that pay very well, are few and far between. This added to the stress.

Keep in mind that in the middle of this, I saw my mother in person for the first time in over a year. And the rest of the women on that side of the family that pushed the “no contact” situation into what it is today. That day is what started me down the depressive spiral, in addition to anxiety.

A few weeks ago, I found the perfect opportunity. NO sales, doing exactly what I’m VERY good at, with an amazing salary. Phone interview, in person interview, and they made me an offer! YAY!!! I had to do a complete background check, (work history, criminal history, drug screening, etc.), which I wasn’t worried about at all. I’ve never had to do one before. They wanted me to to start on 8/9/21 – the exact day I was supposed to go back to “work” after disability. Perfect! The issues started with the company my new employer uses to do the background check. To say they made EVERYTHING more difficult than it should have been is an understatement. They would supposedly call to check the “facts”, and not be able to reach people, but then people were telling me they were getting voicemails that were in broken English and they didn’t know who to call back. Then they said they couldn’t get in touch with my high school to verify I graduated in 1986 – 35 years ago!!!! This lead to me finding out my mother closed the safety deposit box we shared, without telling me, way before the “not speaking” thing started, and my high school diploma was in there.OH MY GOD!!!! So, now it’s the point where I want to give the appropriate “2 weeks notice” to my job, and my background report isn’t complete – still – because the company doing it seems to be completely incompetent.

I jumped through every hoop possible, made countless phone calls spending hours on the phone – doing everything possible to get the information they couldn’t get themselves. Finally, just this Tuesday – 3 days ago – the report was completed, and I was officially ready to start my new job as scheduled. I had already written my resignation letter, included the letter from my doctor saying returning to my original job would be detrimental to my health, and I sent it Tuesday night. No response from them until Wednesday evening, when they accepted my resignation and said I could come pick up my “stuff” the next morning at 6:00am – which I did. That was yesterday.

HUGE relief. All is said and done, and I should be elated. I’m VERY pleased because I feel like a huge amount of stress has been removed, and with TMS, things are only going to get better from here. So why, I kept thinking, am I still feeling down? Then it hit me – it’s my birthday.

The main reason I keep bringing this up is because I want people to understand that with a disease or illness like this, the things that trigger our issues can seem completely ridiculous or even crazy. I’m here to tell you, they feel like that to me too. I want to make sense of it. I want to understand why. What I have to remember is that it doesn’t matter how weird the reason looks – what matters is what we do to minimize the blowback, not beat ourselves up, and recognize that if the trigger is something we have no control over – like a “date” on the calendar – then we need to be kind and understanding when that date comes around. As long as we are open to accepting or seeing the “why” if it ever shows itself, then we are on the right path. Sometimes we don’t get to know “why”. What matters is what we do to protect ourselves, care for ourselves, and be kind.

Going to treatment soon, and then tonight, my mother in law is having us over for a birthday celebration for me. God Bless my husband and his family. They truly do love me – in spite of what I think of myself some of the time.

Until next week………

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Day 12

Still low, but not as low. I’ll take any sign of “better” that I can get.

I got all of the paperwork I’ve been talking about taken care of, so, hopefully the rest of the pieces will fall together soon. I’m hoping I will be able to complete the next steps I need to take this week, and I will then be able to not only have a HUGE weight taken off of me, but I will be able to explain what I’ve been so cryptic about. This is a big deal, and not an easy thing to go through. When I am able to explain it all, I’m pretty sure that anyone that reads this will understand the pressure, anxiety, worries, etc. that it has been causing, and why I have to be cautious for now.

My overall anxiety is still pretty much not present on a daily basis. What I have noticed is that as long as I protect myself, and avoid anything that may trigger it, everything stays low. However, if and when it is triggered, I tend to go from 0 to 1000 pretty rapidly. POOF – frantic! The rest of the time it’s hovering depression, with a lot of feelings of disappointment around different things. My mother and our relationship over my entire life and feeling sad about the drastic boundaries I’ve had to set to protect myself. It still shocks me on some level that it’s come to this. I’m not perfect, by any means – but good God I’ve tried so hard. These thoughts lead to me worrying about having to justify my decision for setting these boundaries – all the while knowing I don’t NEED to explain my decision or why I made it to anyone. But let’s face it – we all have one, two, or a handful of people in our lives that we love and respect on a level that we don’t want to feel like they wouldn’t understand why making a decision like this is not only necessary, but healthy, and definitely NOT easy.

I was reminded at treatment today that I am genuinely going through BIG THINGS right now, and that it’s not like I’m having abnormal over-reactions to normal things. And that I am, in fact, having normal reactions to very abnormal things, and there are actually HUGE changes happening. So yes, one thing may have started the ball downhill (ridiculous amounts of anxiety due to huge changes in my work environment), but a lot of things both tied to that, and that have happened since then have all contributed to spiraling depression, and going back into TMS to keep me from completely going over the deep end. None of these things or situations are simple, small, or a “one day” occurrence. It’s something that has gone from one thing to several other things, all of which were capped off with my “mother” issues showing up in the middle. Not at all fun, or good.

At least I was productive yesterday, and hope to be able to get at least a couple of things done today. If I don’t, I won’t beat myself up. There are things I can do to be “productive”, but I’m not pushing myself. I’m very aware of when I’m up to doing things, and when I’m not. My only goal for right this minute is to eat. After that, we will see.

Until tomorrow………….

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Day 11

Things are slightly better. I’m still amazed how my anxiety has gone down significantly, but it seems like as it did, my depression went up. The only things I can attribute this to is hormones (Menopause?), and the number of difficult things happening in my life right now.

I did get a copy of the documents I needed, thank God. That definitely helped. And, I was actually quite productive today – for someone in my condition. I went to TMS, called about the previously mentioned documents, went grocery shopping, ate lunch, showered, washed my hair, and took recycling down to the trash. This is a HUGE list – again, for me, and what I’m normally capable of when I’m going through this crap. Keep in mind, it had been a week – again – since I last showered. Embarrassing, yes. But the fact is, when your mind tortures you every minute of every day, and your moods are bouncing around like the ball in a pinball machine – showering is VERY difficult.

I have also come to the conclusion that I have to go one step further as far as my mother is concerned. Again, I set and reset boundaries with her from 18 years old until last year, just before my 52nd birthday. No matter what I did, or how many adjustments I made, she ALWAYS pulled the bottom out and hit a new low of cruelty toward me, all while proclaiming “she did no such thing”, and playing the victim to everyone else. I decided at that point that “no contact” was the only way to protect my sobriety and sanity. That was the end of July last year. Fast forward to June of this year, trying to prove, (I guess?), that I’m not a hateful daughter, my husband and I took an orchid plant, balloon, and card to her house for her birthday. She wasn’t home, and we left it on her porch. I never heard a word. She could have mailed a thank you card, or called my husband, but that didn’t happen – and I swear to God, I didn’t expect any response. Then I saw her face to face at the end of June, a few weeks after leaving the gift. It was awkward, and typical – cold, her acknowledging she did get the orchid, etc., told her I loved her, and that was it. It was sooooooo weird because I came to realize later that all I’ve ever wanted is my mothers LOVE, and she’s just not capable. She will tell you she loves me, and that she’s done everything for me, but that is NOT true. She has resented me since I was born – for countless reasons. She may have loved me in the only way she could, which is something – but it was always toxic, and had strings layered in guilt.

After finding out she closed the safety deposit box we shared, and closed it prior to my “disconnecting” from her last year, and that she couldn’t even mail my things to me (it might have cost $2.00 in postage to do this), it showed me that once again, my mother “can’t be bothered”. That has been her response to EVERYTHING that inconvenienced her in any way for my entire life. People have said, “What do you expect, you wrote her off”? And maybe that is true. But I did it in the most loving way possible, told her I loved her but had to separate to protect my sobriety and mental health, and that all I wanted was for her to be happy. It wasn’t mean, or hateful. Apparently that doesn’t matter – any person who “cuts off” their toxic parent, no matter the reason, deserves anything said parent does after that. My question is, what was the excuse for the years of destructive, toxic, abusive things that were done to me every other moment of my life by this woman for 52 years?

So, I have to take it to yet another level. Which I know is going to make me look even worse as a person in some peoples eyes – I cannot acknowledge my mother, on any level. No more trying to be kind on birthdays, no more thinking that maybe at some point she may be able to acknowledge what her part is in all of this, and sadly, no more possibility of having a “mother”, meaning her, on any level. She will be at my nieces wedding in September. I have decided that the only thing I can do is completely ignore her, on any level. No smile across the room if we make eye contact, no going up to her to politely say hello. Nothing. Because ANY contact, on any level, that I have with her – directly or indirectly – has the power to cripple me. And I will NOT put myself in that position again. I wish her no harm, and I do hope she finds happiness. I, however, will not have any interaction, on any level, with her – ever again.

This leads me to my next obstacle – learning to live with this decision while knowing I will get backlash on many levels – even from well meaning people. So I will take time, as I heal, to learn to not only appropriately respond, but how to be okay when people do not understand. Because most people won’t, and that is not my problem.

That’s it for today. I’m mentally exhausted. Again. But every day is a step forward – even if it doesn’t feel like it. Progress not perfection. Ebb and flow.

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 9 and 10

I’m struggling. Bad. At this moment I have a surge of “Fuck it, I’ll handle it. I don’t need anyone, I’ve been on my own for most of my adult life, and I’ll just have to take care of me.”

I’m also very aware that I’m HIGHLY emotional right now, so I’m trying not to say anything “out loud” – to anyone – until I feel like the emotions do not have complete control.

I mentioned a situation that I can’t give details about yet, but it’s very important to me – and it’s in the process of happening or not. As I promised before, I’ll be very open about the details when it’s a “done” thing, but until then, I have to remain vague. I have been battling with a 3rd party (not a particular person), over records/documentation. I understand rules, but every time I provide information, it seems like they make one phone call, barely speak English (from what I’ve experienced myself, and been told by someone who received a voicemail they couldn’t understand), and then come back and say “they are unable to verify my information”. Please understand, this is VERY basic information, and I’ve been able to contact someone, with the information I provided them, and verify it myself. Which leads to me having to beg, plead, etc. that “they” reach out to this 3rd party to confirm verification. I truly believe they make one phone call, leave a voicemail that cannot be understood, then say they cannot verify.

Bottom line is, due to this never-ending inability of them to verify information, I found out that my mother closed the safety deposit box we shared, both had keys for, and which had my high school diploma, birth certificate, and family heirlooms in it. She did this back in May 2020 – 2 months prior to me sending her the letter that said I couldn’t have her in my life due to her chronic alcoholism, etc. This is the icing on the cake as far as my mother is concerned. Yes, I know she did the best she could. However, no matter how many times I set and reset boundaries, she inevitably dropped the bottom to a new low. I made the VERY difficult decision to discontinue a relationship with her to protect my 20 years of sobriety and mental health.

The most difficult part hasn’t been separating from her. It’s been other people’s complete inability to understand why this was a difficult, yet VITAL thing for me to do. I hear variations of “But she’s your mother” all the time. Most of the time, I just write it off to the person saying it doesn’t know me, my mother, or the toxic situation enough to “get it”. But when it’s coming from people I love, respect, and NEED understanding and support from – it can be crushing.

So as I sit here, in a very emotional state, my feelings are that I shouldn’t have to try to explain, again, why I’ve had to make the difficult decision. And the worst thing I’ve been told is “Well, you’re the one who wrote off your mother – so live with it” (in so many words). This, by far, is the thing that breaks my heart on an even higher level. All I have ever wanted is to have anyone in my life that understood me well enough to understand that I HAD to make the decision, to save my life. And, there is still a “little girl” inside of me that has a glimmer of hope that my mother might just do something because it’s the right thing to do, whether she’s hating me at the moment or not. Even at this point, where we are not speaking, if the situation was reversed and I had cleared out the safety deposit box and she had stuff in there, I would have mailed her any contents that were hers. Because – it’s the right thing to do. The fact that important things in my life, were removed and discarded (or whatever), without even telling me, is crazy. Especially because this was done BEFORE I made the decision to separate from her. Which, now that I’m writing this, is just another thing that my mother has done just out of spite towards me. I know in my gut that my mother didn’t “get the life she expected”. She blames me, and a lot of other people, for the way her life turned out. She has never once taken ownership, been accountable, or apologized for her actions. She is a “victim”, and has proven to me that the healthier I got as an adult, the more she resented me. She would verbally say she was proud of me, but her actions NEVER matched her words. The more work I did, the healthier I got, the more evil, resentful and hateful she became.

I could write a book on this subject. And I probably will. But for now, I’m feeling very alone, misunderstood, and judged.I feel like I am again, as it almost always has been, the one responsible for taking care of me. I don’t blame anyone for not truly “getting” my feelings, understanding the plunging depths and toxic nature of my mental illness, or even being able to deal with it. It’s a lot to ask. So, I will do what I always do; handle my life – my bills, my illness, my issues, and my feelings – myself. I am responsible for ME, not anyone else. I pray that someday I will be at that place where I don’t feel like I have to justify my separation from my family, or explain my thoughts and feelings in the middle of a mental breakdown. And that maybe there will be a person who will love me and support me, in the middle of the worst of it, instead of me feeling like I am alone with my disease and my thoughts – even when I’m not the only one in the room.

I will keep fighting. Now, tomorrow, and always. No matter how hard it is.

Wish me luck. I wish the same for all of you.

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round #5 – Days 8 & 9

As you can see, I did not blog yesterday. I was so “down”. Depression weighing heavy, with no specific reason. I couldn’t do much of anything. Went to sleep around 9:00pm, and got up around 7:00am. Still exhausted, never-ending upsetting dreams that left me feeling even more lethargic, drained, and foggy to the point of being stuck.

Went to treatment, feeling the same as I did at 7:00am, and with a headache. The good news? Headache is gone, and I feel a little more “normal” than I have been. Still slow, down, etc. – but not as bad. I’ll take whatever “wins” I can get.

I feel so much guilt around my illness – especially in regards to my husband. He is so patient, and understanding – and yet I feel like I’ve been neglecting him because my head is so fucked up. My moods that bounce around constantly, incessant worrying, and inability to shower on a regular basis has made me feel like a horrible wife. None of these feelings have anything to do with his actions, words, etc. – it’s all in my perception of what it must be like to live with someone in my condition. I have this horrible aching inside of me where I’m worrying he’s going to get to a point where he can’t handle it. And I wouldn’t blame him. It’s a lot to deal with for me – and I know the how and why. All he has is a wife who changes moods and feelings constantly and how could I expect anyone to walk around on eggshells like that? It’s not fair to him. I have no doubt that he loves me, but at what point does it become too much?

So, my thought process right now is “do my best”. In every aspect of my life. Continuing TMS, doing what my doctors tell me to do, and make sure my husband knows how much I love him, and thank him for loving me. Praying that I will get back to something resembling “normal” before my biggest fears become reality.

It’s so hard. Depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, hating myself at times, feeling like a failure……. it’s all scary. The only thing I know for sure is I AM trying – and I will continue to fight this. And, that TMS always works for me. I just have to get through the minutes, hours, or days to where I start feeling and seeing it work yet again.

Until then……………

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!

TMS – Round 5 – Day 7

I spoke too soon yesterday. Around 6:00pm, everything switched.

First, I had concert tickets to see one of my all-time favorite bands for last weekend, but due to a COVID outbreak within the band organization, it was canceled. Promises made it would be rescheduled. Last night around 6:00pm or so, I got the email saying the date had been rescheduled – to a Thursday night (the original show was supposed to be on a Saturday night). For many reasons, there is NO WAY I could go on the new date. I had to request a refund for my tickets. Heart Broken – and sad.

Right after that I got another email – which resulted in digging through endless old paperwork, sitting on hold on the phone for 45 minutes, and then getting NOTHING resolved. Half way into the “digging through paperwork” – my anxiety ramped up. Keep in mind – I hadn’t had ANY anxiety – ZERO – all day, for the first time in months. That was as of my blog yesterday. I was so encouraged!

By the end of the “go nowhere” phone call, I took a Xanax. I Have Clonopin prescribed as well, which is what I usually take. Xanax can give me a hang over feeling occasionally, which I don’t like. So, I only take it when my anxiety is HIGH. And, the pills are only .5mg; I usually only take half a pill – which would be .25mg total. I took the whole .5mg Xanax. I was THAT flipped out.

Slept well, surprisingly – and was up at 5:00am (went to bed at 10:30pm-ish) – so not a lot of sleep, but I felt rested. The morning went well. I went to pick up my prescriptions, even ate breakfast (which I never do), and then headed off to TMS.

On the way, I felt my anxiety showing itself. 15 minutes into that, I felt a big “depression” wave. And 5 minutes later, anxiety took over again – and up’d its game. So in one morning I went from not bad, able to run an errand, ate breakfast to anxiety, depression, more anxiety – in about a 30 minute span.

Got out of TMS and tried yet again to address the issues from last night (I got a voicemail regarding “said issue” while in treatment). I ended up being left on hold AGAIN; this time for 15 minutes – and ended up getting one thing “answered” – I think. But I was now late to get home in time for another doctor phone appointment. I’m NEVER late, for anything – EVER. And because I was on hold AGAIN, while in the parking lot at TMS, I was rushing. This is a definite trigger for anxiety. Add that to already being anxious and uncomfortable, and you get a rambling, babbling person trying to blurt out everything to the doctor while getting out of the car, opening the front door, and finally sitting down.

My best description of how I’ve been feeling for the last 11 days is “my brain is the ball in the pinball machine and it’s ricocheting around just as fast”.

Dr. D reminded me – TMS always works for me, and it will again. Just because the way my brain is working now seems so foreign compared to previous bouts that sent me to TMS, doesn’t mean the result will be different. Ebb and flow, up and down, and then the angling up of everything – slowly – that leads to everything coming together and my brain doing what it’s supposed to. Yes, I know this. But my brain has a sick sense of humor and likes to make me wonder if “this time it might not work” – every single time. And I’m always wrong – IT ALWAYS WORKS – in spite of how different “this time” is from the other times. No matter what my “stand out” symptoms and patterns are – TMS always works. PERIOD.

So, another day down, and on to what I HOPE is a peaceful evening. Time will tell – which seems to be a phrase I keep using lately.

Any guesses on what part of the “mental map” I’ll be on tomorrow? Me neither. The only thing I know for sure is TMS will fix me, and if I try to “imagine” what the morning might be like tomorrow, my brain will “one up” me. So……. not even going to try.

Until tomorrow………………

KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!