My apologies. I know I said I would do my last treatment blog by Sunday, and now it’s Monday. I planned on doing it yesterday and in all honesty, I didn’t feel physically well at all. My head was pounding, and I still had to do laundry, and run my other errands. I couldn’t put two sentences together. So, better late than never – here it is……………….
When I started TMS treatment this time, I was looping in my head – all day every day. I was taking anxiety medication every day, and even in the morning just to keep myself together to face the day. Not only was I consumed about family issues, but I was terrified about the state of our country – because of COVID and the election coming up. I felt weighed down by thoughts and feelings every minute of every day, and there was no such thing as categorizing or controlling my thoughts. It was non-stop GOING for my brain. It was exhausting.
Now, here we are, 38 treatments later, and I feel free. No more spinning, looping, dreading, or uncontrollable anything. I can separate and control my thoughts. I can have a thought – even a very serious thought – and push it aside until I get to a place where I can process it – if I need to. A lot of times something will come up (in a conversation or something like that), and something will cross my mind, and I may or not go back to it later. If I need to, I will. But a lot of times it’s just a fleeting thought that crossed my mind, and that is it.
I’m rarely taking anxiety medication. I took half of one pill the other day – actually last week some time – but I’m not even sure when. That’s progress. But you better believe it’s in my purse in case of an emergency. I’m not above taking it if I need it. But if it sits in my purse untouched for 6 months, that’s okay too.
I will say that I am getting the “I want to go………” feelings on the weekend. Not that I went out a lot before – but just because I can’t go where I want whenever I want, (due to COVID), it makes me miss the freedom. And, I’m still nervous about the election next month. I’ve even realized that even when the election is said and done, the chaos probably isn’t. The difference? It is a situation that I can only do so much about. I voted, and that’s all I can do. Do I want to see even more chaos? Absolutely not! But this is something that is completely out of my control, as is where we are going with this COVID thing – so, I keep myself in line – do what I can do – and let it be. That is the difference – and it’s HUGE!
TMS has this time, and every time, given me the freedom to live my life – just like most other people that don’t have Chronic Major Depressive Disorder and Chronic Anxiety – taking day by day, knowing that everyday is not going to be perfect. But, that I can handle whatever comes my way – one way or the other. My life has been one sharp turn after another – usually with no brakes and no warning – so I’m used to things coming out of left field. After TMS, my ability to cope with things, people, and situations, is much more balanced, and I guess what some people might refer to as “normal”. Or, I guess I want to say “typical”? I’m not sure. All I know is that when your head isn’t spinning around like an out of control frisbee, and you can filter things – life on life’s terms isn’t as hard as when you’ve got 138 tabs open on your “brain computer” at the same time.
So thank you, to So Cal TMS, Dr. Hutton, Dr. Debnath, Rebecca, and EVERYONE at the center! You are all fabulous, and I’m so lucky to not only have this treatment, but all of you as well. You are the most caring group of individuals that all work in one place, in a medical setting, that have always treated me with the utmost care, concern, and love – and I’m only here because of all of you. From the bottom of my heart – THANK YOU ALL!!
I have my one month check in (by video call) with Dr. Debnath on November 17th. I’ll come back that day to give a final update on my Round 4 Treatment. I have no doubt, things will still be good. And, the election will be over.
Keep fighting friends. Please. I know now, because of TMS and everything I’ve learned since my first treatment, that my reason for being here is to show people that THERE IS HOPE. I didn’t believe it, and I asked almost daily, for years, “Why am I even here?”. The reason I got through all of the years of pain, damage, chaos, and turmoil is because I was meant to be HERE, and show anyone willing to listen that I made it – and it’s worth it! I never would have believed it if it hadn’t been me that went through every single minute of it – the bad and the good. I made it, I have a great life, and if I had given up, none of the good part would have happened. I kept fighting, somehow. Something kept me going, even when I was sure I was done. So I know you can make it too.
I will say it again……………. KEEP FIGHTING & SHOW YOUR SCARS!!!!